понедељак, 29. фебруар 2016.

Одрастање?



    Ту негде око петнаесте пожелимо да будемо велики, да носимо ципеле за одрасле. Девојчице скрате сукње, шминкају се као луде, носе грудњаке број веће јер добро је бити одрастао.
Дечаци баце ону омиљену лопту за кошарку, дохвате татин бријач и почну прво бријање. Липти крв из посекотина, остају длаке, али хеј, то значи бити одрастао. Ту су прве беле кошуље, ципеле углачане до омота од чокодаде и прве симпатије. Одрастамо јер желимо да будемо одрасли што пре, хвалимо се оценама, љубавним успесима. Желиш, изгараш и онда одједном одрастеш.
   Схватиш то кад ти деца из комшилука почну персирати, а родитељи се ослањају на твоје мишљење, а у твојој глави цвеће, плаво небо, на ногама баш оне старке које си носила у средњој. Проблем. Ушла сам неког лета у интернет кафе јер ми рачунар беше у квару. Бришем зарезе, мрштим се на невешто написане реченице и чујем: ,,Тетка, хоћеш ли скоро?'' Погледам: дете је озбиљно.
Замислим се.
  Прошле зиме  стајала сам у ходнику пред огледалом. Топао децембар мирисао је на јутра у његовом стану. Зидови наранџасти као завесе у мојој соби. Седели смо на тераси и пили кафу. Држао ме је за руку. Погледала сам у огледало кад: седа. Тренутак парализе и закључак: изгледа да сам одрасла. Одрасла то кад сам најмање желела. Значи, тако то иде. Желиш, престанеш, одустанеш и онда када се најмање надаш се деси. Гутљај кафе.
Одрасла. Сјајно. Зар нисам то хтела? Јесам. Ту је персирање, поштовање, ту су и неки успеси, минули рад. Ту су и седе. Да, одрасла сам.
Онда ми је синуло: грозно је бити одрастао!
  Нећу да будем као моја мајка, да устајем у пет, кувам ручкове, испраћам, пеглам. Нећу да имам седе. Одрасли су досадни, жале се на мале плате, кукају, причају о политици. А ја, ја не волим кукање и уопште задовољна сам. Не причам о политици. Волим поезију и сунчане дане, волим путовања, шетње и волим туфнице. Не желим да будем одрасла јер одрастао најчешће значи бити уштогљен. Ја брбљам о књигама, сањам малтезера и купујем шарене бомбоне. Одрасли се жале на своје супруге и децу. Онда ми сине! Немам на кога да се жалим и једна сенка ми пређе преко лица. Можда нисам одрасла скроз. Осмех. Одрасла споља а унутра, е, ту је већ нешто.
   Није ни он одрастао, мислим док гледам његове седе. Не жали се, већ са осмехом прича о текућим проблемима. И пише, пише... Он, као и ја, воли да спава до осам, да шета, воли књиге на чијим маргинама размењујемо нежности. А онда обуче сако, чита моје песме на састанцима. Ја обучем бели џемпер и ставим га у џеп. Можда ипак није лоше овако бити одрастао.


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